Female Relationship-Self-Annihilation: A companion to the Ultimate Man List.

I started writing this a few months ago, 

and in light of having posted my Ultimate Man List, its only right that I post this as well.

This nonsense is why most girls are led astray from the Ultimate Man List and ultimately, what is best for them.

I found this on Pinterest recently, which by the way I'd like to point out I'm having some major sell out syndrome right now over my Pinterest account. 

Now that every one I'm tired of seeing on facebook is on Pinterest too, I am a little irritated. 

Allow me to apologize in advance for the feelings I may be on the verge of hurting, and for inserting a brief rant.

I will not follow many of you on Pinterest. I'm sorry, but I won't do it. 

There are already a million useless updates blowing up my facebook news feed, and I have to keep up with those meeting my qualifications for deletions. I refuse to allow the same to happen to my dear Pinterest account. It's bad enough I have to mark every facebook post to friends only or private, thanks to the nosy creep-tacular city of Victoria, crazy ex's, and other do gooders, I also have to consider the potentially wide audience access my blog offers, and thus must be edited accordingly considering the nature of most of my opinions. My Pinterest is mostly unedited. Thank god its minimal wordage, maximum visual-age.

and back to our feature presentation.

I found THIS little tid bit on pinterest.

Time spent on pinterest is not time wasted, since potentially, it may make me a better more creative and crafty person.

But also, this is where middle aged divorcees and lonesome hormonally over-charged tweens alike go to air out their emotional laundry/fantasies. 

I'll admit- the majority of the quotes on Pinterest are fabulous.

However, occasionally I scroll across this type, that makes me want to hurl into my hands and smear it on someone.

Between the "what every guy should know" posts and the phony iPhone conversation screen shots, I get my fair share of intrigue and cynicism all in one day. =)

And thus, I've chosen to make some brief amendments to this one.

 #1 Make her breakfast in bed.

No. Breakfast in bed equals spillage in bed, and honestly, its a pain in the ass to knock crumbs off a comforter. And personally, I'd hate to be deprived of an opportunity to assume my most favorite breakfast position- sitting on the edge of a chair with my feet wrapped around the front legs, teetering forward... Nothing revs my engine first thing in the morning quite like eating breakfast on the edge of gravity and a potential face plant into the table.

#2 Always tell her I love her.

Thats great.

 I mean really just great.

 But after the 3rd time in the last 10 minutes, 

I'm running out of empathetic facial expressions to bring forth, 

and its becoming something of an interruption. 

#3 Cuddle her randomly from behind.

Vomit.

I don't need to elaborate how many different ways this is an awful idea. 

Mainly because I've killed men for less. 

Also, I hate seeing couples do that crap in public, 

its like seeing the footage from a security camera in a jail bathroom.

#4 Give her flowers.

How nice. 

Another reminder that everything dies.

#5 Be romantic.

No. 

Be original.

#6 Tell her she is beautiful.

Let's be honest, if your dating Quasi Moto,

 or someone with a severe deformity, this is just like a bad joke.

Females actually like it when you're specific. 

"Oh, you cut your hair" 

or 

"I like what you did with your make up"

or 

"You got that mole removed"

Your beautiful is the compliment equivalent of-- 

"Insert generic sunset picture"

#7 Take her on dates.

well. yeah.

 If you don't feed me occasionally, 

I'm going to schedule all activities around my personal eating schedule, 

which is constant. 

and thus, 

end.

#8 Snuggle with her at night.

Let's be honest-- this lasts about 3 minutes.

Then its starfishing time.

Why not skip the pleasantries and get straight to starfish mode.

Once I dated a guy who was offended that I didn't want to be a "nuggle bunny". 

It didn't last.

#9 Remember small details about her.

...yes and please,

 watch me from outside my window too.

#10 Listen to her.

Or Else.

#11 Always support and stand up for her.

Unless, of course, she's a bimbo.

Or a communist leader.

 Or the author of this list. 

Then tape her mouth shut and never let her speak in public

And here I would like to take a moment to bring attention to shift in content at this point- 

This list starts becoming a personal outcry for love and affection, 

by some girl who's Un-Ultimate Man List boyfriend just left her for some one who wasn't crazy.

Clearly proving my theory that women write these things, as a way to feel like their getting back at the entire male population by giving other women unrealistic, sappy views on how men and relationships should be. 

And thus turning the majority of the female population into blood thirsty, pinterest-love-seeking psychopaths. 

I'm going to have to consider a new angle 

as this just went from generalization to very specific issues...

#12 Never let her down.

.....

If you've given into any of this ridiculousness, 

you've let ME down. 

#13 Be sweet while she's on her period.

No- be absent in celebration

The presence of the crimson tsunami means your not stuck with the author of this foolishness for another 18 yrs and now you've got time to flee town while she is wining at home waiting on someone to bring her flowers and inflated dreams.

#14 Spend more time with her than friends.

Whoever you are that inspired this, I don't blame you....

#15 Never break her heart.

Apparently it was too late for this one,

 as we have just witnessed the spiraling downfall of the original author's last relationship.

Go on, 

eat bon bons and sulk in a dark room for three weeks with the twilight soundtrack playing softly in the back ground.