The occasional life altering revelation.

when you have nothing to carry on after you are gone, 

nothing left of yourself,

you have to leave such a large impact on the world that THAT is what is left of you, thats what you had to offer
you have to make yourself  your own legacy.

I've been thinking, over the last 2 months, every other week, 

when my bad news was fluctuation weekly between 

potentially cancer and/ or not being able to have kids-

I was obviously having to do a lot of self evaluation.

I came up with a few things. 

Firstly and minorly, but Beth will be happy-
 I do want to have kids after all.

I've never really felt compelled towards having children, I just honestly 

never saw myself with little nuggets.

I guess potentially loosing that option makes you change your mind.

And so, back to the first time I was told that, 

the first thought that popped into my head was-

"Dammit.... If I don't have kids, I'm going to have to become a rocket scientist."

Everything about being alive is initially about reproducing. 

Biologically- our sole purpose is to survive, and that encompasses genetic survival.

Everything about the untouched mind of a living creature is driven towards survival- to reproduce and carry on.

"Go forth and prosper."

As people, with minds, and souls, we want to create children that can carry on our legacy, 

our traditions, and our beliefs. 

We want to leave that part of ourselves after we are gone.

Potential infertility led me to a bigger revelation.

One of the things that really bothered me when my dear friend passed back in August, he was so young,

He hadn't left any mark on the world other than in the minds and hearts of those that knew him.

After we are all gone, so is he.

I just can't get my head around the concept of a person just being completely gone.

The idea that someone who lived, and breathed and walked around with us

would just be gone, lost to time completely and never to be known again. 

It's humbling.

I believe the ripple affect.

Which brings me to my decision that in infertility, 

I would have to be a rocket scientist.

If you can't have a life, what do you do with yours?

Lately, in the last few weeks, this stupid quote keeps coming to mind-

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I've been thinking about how stupid I've decided that saying is. 

mainly because it's true in the same way things like

"Itll feel better when it quits hurting"  are true.

they have to be. 

its just an innate truth, it has to be true.

If you dont end up dead, you have to be stronger.

what a useless way to try and make people feel better about a shitty ordeal.

"Congratulations on your survival of this horribly traumatic incident, 

here's a useless fact to make you feel better."

Unfortunately, as stupid as I've decided it is, 

It's also become the foundation of whatever turning point I am at.

Which, really has made me find a whole new appreciation for a lot of things.

Annnnnd tying in my rocket scientist statement.

When bad things happen you have one choice.

Unless you are dead, you have to keep going,

Turn your tragedies into triumphs

When I asked the great Florence Welch what she had to say about all of this, she said-

"I'm not giving up,
I'm just giving in"

There is no quitting or giving up in life.

There just isnt-

that's not an option.