"Today, Baylea Happened to You"

OK.
well, three short weeks and I'm back in Icky Vicky as of Tuesday. 

For arguements sake, like all things too good to be true, it was.

And so here I am- Ground Zero, Homebase. Whatever.

Basically, instead of being angry, upset, frustrated, all of those things that I am feeling, I am feeling something else, much more importantly- Motivated. 

I can honestly say, I learned a lot in three weeks.

In horse terms, the overall experience was just amazing.

It was the most awesome thing ever to do my favorite thing in the world every day.

I learned a ton, and realized this really is something I will always have in my life, and got a better idea of the direction I want to expand in with my own horses and show career. Since I've been riding less throughout college, riding and ponies in general has kind of become something that for me, when I think of it, I think of it as "this thing I used to be really good at." In the whole busy mix of school and ball over the last three years I really forgot what a huge part of my life was ruled by my horses. Having just had time to take care of them, and not really ride or do much for myself has been frustrating. 

But after being resubmerged in it, I really feel like my confidence is back. Which is rejuvinating. I haven't felt so in touch with my boys or that part of my life since high school. I had an interesting conversation with Monica last week sometime I think. I was telling her how frustrated I was growing up that I never got to do horses the way I wanted to, because I was always playing softball and horses are an expensive passed time. But we came to a good conclusion. I really only have a limited amount of time
to play softball. I have my whole life to ride, own, show or compete.

And really, I am very lucky for that. Because I will have something to throw myself into whenever my softball career is over. It will be an ending for me, and it'll be sad, but it wont be the end of my life either.

But again, I digress. 

In terms of life experience, it was eye opening.

 Whether I stayed the whole summer or just three weeks, I think I got from this what I was supposed to.

I have some better ideas on what I want to do with my personal career, as well as just life lessons in general if thats what you want to call it. 

Sometimes its so ironic how life works out, at some point you really cant deny that we aren't in control at all, no matter how much you want to be. 

I think, that until you get what your supposed to from a situation, your going to keep encountering similar situations until you learn your lesson.

Personal control is a huge issue for me.

Not as in I can't control myself, like some raging addict, but more like, I never feel like I have enough influence in the things that happen to me. 

Since I've been out of high school and out on my own I've felt like my own life has been going way too fast for me to keep up with. I have seemingly awful luck for the most part, and I could write out in a chronilogical order all the bad awful things that have happened in the last three years, miserable events in order of mood swings and emotional downfall. 

Actually that last part was just bullshit, but I liked the way it made me sound like a teenage melodramatic monster.

Anyway. 

I'm motivated.
If anything, I am motivated.
 Every encounter with life I've had, I've taken somewhat passively. 

"Today, this happened to Baylea."

I've been getting by on "keep on keeping on"

"When your at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

"Baylea, your just going to have to be the one that has to keep overcoming"

No freaking wonder I feel like I'm not influencing my own life, I've just been letting it happen. 

I've been happy to just make it. 

[[It reminds me of this time I was trail riding with Brooke. Brooke was rattling on about something or singing, and I had floated off into Baylealand, and so Rebel was just wandering off and I was brought back by Brooke yelling at me "Baylea!! Actively Participate!!!"]]

I never used sit back and allow life to happen without me.
 I've let the excuse of being caught up with college and softball take over every aspect of me, and run the show.

"Ironically, I believe you've taken the second big step in reclaiming your life." 

"It took courage and foresight to take care of yourself in this situation, which sounds a whole lot like "reassessing and reclaiming your life."

So, yes even more ironically, having returned from my little get away that was supposed to 

change and alter my life, 

I now have the rest of the summer completely to myself to work on exactly what I tried to start doing back in January. 

I have security in every other aspect,

I have a job

I have great friends,

I have my boys,

I have a great relationship,

I have a nice place to live,

and a new vehicle.

Its funny that I've just ended up back at the beginning,
Like a children's book with a moral ending.
Ok, well not really like that.

.