"Atom to Atom, oh what's the matter with me, love"

Obviously this was a progressive project...

One Month Ago-ish.

New Years Resolutions. 

I always try to do this by category,

so I can pretend to have goals in most areas of my life...

Ok, so School:

Start grad school with a 4.0 (I can dream...)

Do well on my GRE

Softball:

Dont let my personal happiness be determined by how well I do on the field.--compromised

Horses:

Find Ace a forever home-- Done

Focus on Rebel--- temporarily relocated

Personal:

Screw all of this. --Accidentally already accomplished

A few weeks later-

I grudgingly started to write this, half halfheartedly a over a month ago, in an attempt to 

sustain the pressure I put on myself to list things.

I went through a phase where I  listed compulsively, 

trying to keep a grip on things when I felt overwhelmed.

More recently, I have taken to writing statements that cross my mind instead.

There is something strangely more fulfilling about that.

I think it might be easier just to be a part of something and make note of the scenery, 

instead of trying to alter it.

"Realistically, I actually have very few aspirations in life- make pretty pictures, ride ponies, indulge in good food, have an awesome movie collection. I feel like that's not too much to ask for.

 I mean, really, what else is there."- The Great Me.

I'm taking a slightly new approach to ambitions. 

Clearly what I have been doing hasnt been working, or maybe it has,

either way I've ended up in a pretty good place, 

where I wanted to be, 

give or take a few extras. Ok a lot of extra's. 

A little over month later--Over all

A week-ish later,

Last friday

8:31pm

2011 was insane. 

and 2012 in less than a month is trying to out do an entire year of crazy. 

and so far, kind of succeeding. ...

....

[indication of where my train of thought

                                                                          .....fell off]

8:46pm

Hastings Cafe

this isnt a good time to be blogging I just realized. 

my brain is- like picking up marbles. 

I was trying to decide how I feel about a new year starting. 

in light of recently events I dont even know how I feel about a new day starting honestly. 

how is it that a single month managed to out do an entire year of shit. 

and how am I supposed to look at any of this. 

I started working on a blog about life, where it is at, where it is going. 

Actually it was more like an attempt at new years resolutions.

I dont know any of that anymore. 

I knocked out the few goals I did have in January

I know what I want to be doing in the future.

6 months from now-ish moving in with my boyfriend.

2 years from then-ish moving to houston to work on my PHD like a badass.

after that I havent made it that far. 

mainly that I will be somewhere awesome, being awesome, leading an awesome life

one week from now, blood results and scheduling an ovary removal.

2 weeks-ish from now removing said ovary?

2-4weeks from then, recovering from said removal, of aforementioned ovary. 

6 weeks-ish from now returning to softball and the rest of my life, in Lance Armstrong fashion?

..???

Amazing, how things have gotten slightly out of hand, all in one late night's trip to the ER

I'm good at finding good things in every situation, or breaking down life lessons,

finding the cause for things that happen in my life, what I can take from it,

how it makes me a better at being a human being.

Thanks to advanced social psychology I now know more about how people like to assume things about karma, 

or the Just World Theory. 

"Good things happen to good people,

Bad things happen to bad people."

I even learned that often, when Bad things happen to Good people,

those good, newly confused people find themselves seeking therapy, 

in which ambitious therapists such as my future self find themselves convincing said good people that life works on a randomized spectrum,

 in which Things happen to All People.

How interesting it is to be on the other side of that.

Again, I could derive that the reason I am having so many Things happen to me

is in order to make me a better therapist in the future. 

Which, is one inevitable, built-in bonus point. 

No matter what, this will make me a better therapist later. 

well thats great. 

8:58pm

but back to the current Baylea sitting a chair at Hastings. 

Yesterday I was completely blind sided by the right ovary nonsense. 

I had plans. 

I have a job, 

I have school, 

I have softball.

I have a relationship to maintain in my spare time.

I have pitching lessons to give.

I have a portrait I'm commissioned to draw.

I have a cat that needs to "Gladys" my face every morning.

I have entire days to fill with witty remarks.
I have a horse to ride and give head hugs.

I have things I need to be doing. 

I dont have time to for an ovary to be taken out right now,

thats just ridiculous.

Again I am sure there is some life lesson to take from that as well.

Your never to busy to loose half of your reproductive organs.

I'm really kind of at the end of my reasoning--

My only conclusion is that its just going to make me even more of a badass.

Just when I thought I had reached a new, unattainable level of badass-

insert next life lesson-

There is always a new level of badass to be attained. 

Which is another inevitable built-in bonus point.

I feel like _________

I dont have an ending for that sentence.

My brain and heart have both seem to have left the building for a little while.

I havent been able to gather my thoughts, 

or my feelings.

I've been listening to the new Florence and the Machine cd, 

Ceremonials,

 for about 3 solid weeks.

The great Florence Welch's opinion about my situation happens to be track 11-

"I'm gonna leave my body,

I'm gonna lose my mind"

Well thank you Florence Christ Welch, I have successfully managed to do both I believe.

Last week, when I was temporarily delivered from not having an ovary removed, 

Florence rejoiced as well, saying 

"Say my name,

And Every color illuminates,

We are shining,

And we will never be afraid again"

And so it was.

Lots of people have said lots of things to me about how to handle this,

how to feel,

how to think, 

But really, nothing is really registering anywhere.

And I do apologize, I really have been listening

It's like a cartoon, that plays out straight into a blank gap in between scenes. 

How does the character get to the other side,

What happens in between.

My artist forgot to draw my thought bubble,

or facial expression. 

As much as I do try to be,

I am not in control of my life.

I am so stuck between science, and philosophy

School and psychology have a logical explanation for everything that is happening, 

my own code and belief is usually reassuring where the rest leaves off.

Making the executive decisions or operating on faith.. or a lack of operating I suppose.

How do you do either, both the brain and the heart arent doing their jobs at the moment, 

they've left me here to figure this out on my own.

1:11am
Mom's chair

I will keep posting this song in random places until everyone has heard it,
and loves it exactly as I love it.
and read the flipping lyrics, Florence Welsh is a beautiful, clever, insightful poet dammit!!!

Tuesday
12:21 am
my bed


I feel like I need to put up some form of disclaimer,
any time I am not trying to be funny or clever-
just in case someone assumes there is something clinically wrong with me
I'm very anti diary-style posting.
I am well aware that I have a fabulous life- I am the one living it, duh
and yes I know an ovary/tumor removal isn't end of the world-
its just kind of a big deal in my world.
A big, scary deal.
The last thing I want to do is any kind of prose about my tormented soul
and a chronological order of my teenage mood swings,
That is why people avoid reading personal blogs.
But, I have been writing on this for a while, and this is my blog.
More than anything else, I would really just rather be as real as possible,
that was my only goal when I started this back in May
When I came up with the name The Chronicles,
I secretly wanted it to be just that,
 the stories from my life, written in the voice narrating in my head.

Next Monday
8:20 pm
Alone at work

Tomorrow-
driving to Houston tomorrow, yet again.
3rd blood work
2nd CT skan
4th ultra sound. Ew.

Tomorrow is Valentines.
I will be having sushi for lunch with Hannah Crawford.
I always treat myself when I am violated first thing in the morning. 

I wish school could do itself.


 More importantly, I love this song.
and to make it even better, This entire album was recorded in Dave Grohl's garage,
with NO computers. Just the band, and a recorder.
Produced, and bam- Mega Awesome.
I LOVE, passionately-- freaking LOVE good art
this is good art.

in other news.
I'm worn out.
In every way possible.