I'm good at winging it.

I hate doing this kind of thing.

well, multiple things-

I rarely write serious blogs, I never discuss my relationships or the people in my life 

and I rarely ask for divine interventions,

I also rarely touch on social taboo topics for the sake of pissing off my tiny readership.

So I will have to break a few of my own rules.

Taboo #1- I'm going to talk about my emotions-

But only just to clarify-- 

And in doing to so, I feel like I should first say please don't mistake my tone.

Tres told me my last post was sad, and after rereading it, 

I'll admit- he was right. 

(He also wrote me a funny story to lighten the mood I accidentally brought rain clouds on)

Except I never write things with the intentions of making them sound sad,
I hate reading depressing things so I never intend to write them.

If I'm going to talk about my own life, 

I'd like to think of my tone as being thoughtful or insightful

so read with that in mind and not the melodrama.

With the many transitions in my life at the moment,

I feel the need to drop some filters, 

be a little less vague

and a little more personally involved in my tiny online empire.

I had a potentially really awesome job opportunity this summer. 

I could have made some great money,

got a good jump on the life game, and taken the easy road for a while.

Its not even ironic anymore when things like that don't work out...

>Insert sarcastic chuckle<

With the way that May has acted this year, 

the best thing I can compare the feeling to is a whirlwind-

It's feels like I was swept up and thrown out,

a little dazed and confused at best.

On a personal note, 

in general when it comes to life 

I am usually pretty good at realizing what lesson I am/was supposed to learn from a particular event.

I feel like I rarely get direct "signs".

even in hindsight, I can identify red flags if you will,

but I just never really feel like I get clear signs to a set path or direction,

like "this is how I know I'm moving in the right direction."

Ok now, this isn't to be mistaken with the "big picture"

-I have a lot of inner drive and motivation, 

 I KNOW what I want, and I usually make it happen.

but in terms of smaller opportunities along the way, 

I jump head first into some of the most random chances whether it works out or not.

And honestly, why not. 

I am young, 

I have no ties.

This is my personal mantra on repeat

 in my head every time something like that pops up.

Having said that--back to the present--

As of wednesday, I gave up hope on my great opportunity,

and evaluated my situation.

My bills are payed ahead.

Gladys is with Beth for now.

Rebel is in good shape.

 I quit my job at the labs last Friday.

I was supposed to leave Sunday.

That fell through.

So.

Taboo #2- I'm going to talk about my relationship.

I had initially planned to move to Kingsville with Tres in the fall.

Everyone has an opinion about this.

I'm white trash, I'm living in sin, I'm dooming my relationship, myself, and my future.

I have a million reasons for moving.

None of which I care to explain.

I paced all day monday and tuesday.

When I woke up wednesday

 completely against my own patient constitution, 

I started packing everything I own.

After seven mini panic attacks and whacking myself on every edge and ledge in my house later,

I found myself straddling my tailgate trying to maneuver my dresser, alone, to lay flat in my truck bed while not shattering it into a million particle wood pieces.

Taboo #3- I'm going to talk about Divine intervention.

I don't ask much from the Greater Forces of the Universe.

Other than sleep at night.

Actually, I don't really ask anything.

I kind of have that clock maker in the sky mentality-

I just feel like I'm doing what I have been set in motion to do.

When I said earlier, that I don't feel like I get "signs" 

that I AM taking the right path- I don't.
I know where I want to end up,
I just have too much time in between here and there.
But in general I have a good sense of personal direction with my life. 

When I go through things, I don't look at it as a bad decision, or shitty luck. 

Instead- a lesson.

 The sooner you realize that in life, the easier it is to handle what comes your way.

Unfortunately this usually has to happen after the fact,

because there are no signs pointing to the best route to take.

So as I am sitting here, on my tail gate, 

having finally laid down my dresser, first on my foot, 

and then breaking off a slat holding a drawer together, 

I wiped the sweat off my hairline and had one of those zone out moments

where your entire life comes into perspective for about 3 minutes, 

just to molest any solid decisions you've created in the last 24 hours 

and make you stare at something random
until people look at you like your about to flip the switch to crazy.

Having this moment, I realized everything a person with a psychology degree should never think about their own self, and for the first time ever-

"Oh God. I need a sign."

And just like that I was up and off again, dragging boxes out to my truck.

Taboo #3- Again. 

Don't assume that in seemingly, accidentally uttering one phrase I stumbled upon God

and have been reborn.

We've known each other.

It's just a very unusual relationship, and I like it like that.

I talked to Megan for a little while on my way to Kingsville, mainly so I wouldn't feel compelled to stop and lay in the sun flowers on the side of the road till I felt the wind blow me another direction.

Between boys and dogs, I mentioned I felt like I was just winging it in life at the moment.

"Baylea, I feel like your always winging it through life.

 But don't let that scare you, you've always been good at winging it" 

Dammit Megan. Well ok then.

We're going to call that

Indefinite Sign #1

Because in an otherwise pointless conversation,

 it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Later last night, Tres and I went to Corpus to go eat with his brother and lady friend.

After dinner we were trying to figure out what else there was to do,

and since none of us had any ideas,

 we walked across the parking lot to what looked like a potentially cool patio/grill 

to hang out and talk.

...And imidiately realized that wasn't going to work. 

So what to do.

We stood there and tapped our toes for a minute, racking our brains, 

and then as blatantly obvious as what Megan had said, 

It literally hit me in the mind.

I know a ton of people in Corpus. 

And not just people, but friends, good friends.

Friends I know and love, and have long histories with.

People I trust and feel secure with.

We will call this Indefinite Sign #2

Because even though we didn't actually go do anything,

knowing I had people I could call, nearby security, 

makes me feel a million times better.

So I called Dillon.

One of my closest friends from back home.

And he answered.

While Tres's brother and lady headed out as it was late, 

me and Tres decided to stop by Dillon's since it was on our way as well.

Tres and Dillon actually hit it off really well,

(Indefinite Sign #2.5 because everyone 

I have ever dated has never liked Dillon,

though I could never see how not)

And in the midst of catching up and "shooting the shit"

Dillon told me about a few places he knew that personally

 I could very easily get a job and make very good money.

I'll call this Indefinite Sign #3

Because the foremost thing in my mind right now 

is that I have no idea where to look for a job in this area,

much less one where I can make enough money to survive and survive well.

Having a huge load lifted off my shoulders,

 I decided this morning to check the A&M Kingsville job site again, just to say I did.

Even as easy as it would be to work in Corpus, 

my overall goal is still to work for the college here since it would be most beneficial to

my actual career plans.

Until now all of the job postings have been office positions,

which would help my career in the direction of school psychology-

insuring I could always fall back on working in guidance and advising at a university.

Not exactly what I am after, but a great fall back plan.

Today, there were four new postings for a special events summer program.

A Developmental Youth Program,

working with disadvantaged and underprivileged students. 

I applied for three of the four positions.

tutoring, teaching, and COUNSELING.

And I was actually qualified for all of them.

We're going to call this Indefinite Sign #4 

Because this is actually what I WANT to be doing in my life.

Just to make sure I hadn't lost my mind and read the postings wrong I called the school.

For the first time since I've been dealing with this campus,

I was put straight through to the project director,

who answered immediately and was more than happy to answer all of my stupid questions.

She took my name, and let me know where their office was.

For good measure I'm going by in the morning to ask more pointless and repetitive questions.

This could be awesome.

I suppose you could say that I've been looking hard for anything to jump out at me.

Taboo #4- I may offend you-

But I don't actually care if that is what some people may think.

In my crazy experiences so far, I have realized a few things-

If something stands out, and catches your attention even for just a second, 

Pay attention.

If something brings you clarity in the moment or looking back on an event,

Don't ignore it.

If something feels so right that it makes you paranoid,

Don't be stupid.

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is not to be scared to recognize a GOOD thing,

 and let it happen. I try to play the Sims with my life too often.

Ironically it never seems to be the easiest pursuit, but those are the things to jump wholeheartedly.

The summer after I graduated high school I took on the project of illustrating a children's book 

for a local author who was getting published.

I initially was going to turn him down because the project seemed out of my range and honestly just intimidating, but my art teacher grabbed me by the face and told me-

"The moment something looks too hard--

THAT is when you commit to it."